I once dated a guy and it was so bumpy and fraught with conflict that he suggested we go to couples’ therapy. I remember thinking we’ve only been dating six weeks! And although I found it thoughtful of him to want to work on our relationship, I figured what would be the point of that? For us to have this much trouble so early on was not a good sign of where things were going.  

I went next door and told my neighbor who was a good friend that I wanted to break up with this young man, but wasn’t sure how to do it. She said “Just call him and tell him how you feel. Good luck.” 

So I gathered my courage, went back inside and dialed his number. When he got on, I told him how much I appreciated his wanting to work on things but I’m just not interested enough in doing that. 

“Why?” he asked earnestly.

 “Because our relationship is too new to have this much trouble. I really think we should break up. It’s not working. And to be honest…” I let my voice trail off and stopped talking.

“No…what were you going to say?” he asked.

“I was going to say…I really hate how you try to control me.” 

He got really quiet. Then he said “You know what I hate about you?”

“What?” I responded, taking a deep breath and bracing myself.

“How you let me.”

I have never forgotten those words and have intentionally taken them into every relationship I’ve had since. Right before I dated this person, my heart was broken by someone else. It was 1998 and I remember sitting in tears watching Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew on their MTV show “Loveline” respond to a woman who was devastated that her boyfriend had just left her, saying “You know…most relationships aren’t meant to last, right? They’re simply not supposed to.”

I remember thinking “Really? They’re not???” Cause when you’re in a relationship, it feels like the most important thing in the whole world. And when it ends, it’s heart-wrenching. But I found real freedom in hearing that little nugget. 

So when this current boyfriend said those words to me about how I let him control me, it was a real lesson in empowerment. Grateful to have learned that about myself.